A personal post…a time to ask why

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I debated for a while how I should write this post. I am not a private person. All my friends and family know this about me. My boyfriend is way more private than I am- sorry babe. I find comfort and healing when I know I am not alone in this journey.

Never did I think I would write a blog post one day about repeat miscarriages. In my family, if you wanted a baby, you get pregnant and then have a baby. I have numerous clients and friends who have had the excruciating pain of repeat miscarriages and often not even able to have any more children.

Rewind back to November. We decided to grow our family and make Lilly a big sister. Bam. Got pregnant on the first try. That was easy. A few days after my 4 positive tests I had repeat blood tests and my HCG dropped to 5. So apparently that was a chemical pregnancy. What a let down We were sad, disappointed and felt teased by nature.

Jump to December- bam. Pregnant again. Oh my! We were so excited. Blood tests showed good numbers. We were so excited for our 8 week appointment to then be able to tell our family the excitement. Just before Valentines day (we planned to tell Lilly & our family then) we were so nervous but excited for our appointment. I laid on the table during the ultrasound and we were seeing the little bean on the screen but no heartbeat and measured two weeks behind We were absolutely devastated. Why did this happen? How would it come out? What did I do to make this happen? I had a follow up a week later just to verify there was no hope and it had passed.

The experience of passing at home was just horrible. I was too scared for the procedure, so I felt at home would be better. Never did I want to experience that pain (emotionally and physically) again. Laboring at home knowing you won’t be getting a baby in the end is horrible.

The doctor. said wait one cycle and try again. So we did. Once cycle passed and I had a full panel of tests and all were fine. No explanation why this one didn’t work out. Feeling let down twice we felt this next time would be the one. Third time is a charm, right? I got pregnant immediately (clearly actually getting pregnant is not my issue) and went right in for my blood test to verify. Numbers were very strong and the doctor seemed very optimistic that this one would be it. We told our families and kept our vision of our little Christmas baby (due date being 12/25) in our heads.

We counted down to our appointment in May, where I should have been 7w5d. Once again, I was laying on the table so incredibly nervous and having a feeling in my gut there would be something wrong. No… can’t be. I already experienced a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy— that CAN’T happen again. The doctor looked and saw a way more developed fetus than before. Oh such relief! Wait… “where’s that heartbeat??” she said. I started to feel a tear come out of my eyes not seeing a heartbeat. Again. “I’m so sorry, but I don’t see a heartbeat and you’re measuring a week behind” My stomach sank and I instantly felt let down. Why. Why is this happening again. What is wrong with my damn body that I can’t carry a baby past 6 weeks? I have a beautiful healthy 7 year old— why won’t nature let me have another one?

We spent the rest of the day feeling down… I messaged all my friends and family and informed them and was comforted by all of them. I feel I let my family down. I know there’s nothing I could have done, but still. Everyone was so excited and I just broke their heart. We went for another follow up appointment a week later and still no heartbeat and no growth. I decided this time to have the procedure because of what I went through just a few months before.
Walking around knowing you are carrying a non living fetus is heartbreaking. You still feel like you need to take your prenatal vitamins. Your boobs hurt from your hormones. You have started to show so your clothes don’t fit. But, at any minute your body could recognize it needs to expel it. And it happened. Day of my procedure I rushed into the hospital early because of the pain and bleeding and didn’t need the surgery after all. It was just as painful as the first time. Still as draining. Still feeling like I did something wrong to not allow this baby to grow inside me. I am reminded by everyone there’s nothing I could have done. Could have been batch of bad eggs. I have no idea at this point. Thankfully so many of my friends, family members and clients reached out to me for support and taking care of me.

So why post about it? I made a post on Facebook, IG and here about it because I find comfort knowing I am not alone in this. Apparently talking about miscarriage is taboo in our society. Why is that? It happens. My dr. said that every woman will experience at least 3 miscarriages in her life. WHAT?! Thats insane. I know it’s painful for people to talk about, but the fact is it’s a real life thing that happens every single day to women and it shouldn’t be so taboo to discuss. It’s weird how with Lilly, I had no fear of something going wrong when I found out I was pregnant…now I am petrified.

I am so thankful that so many friends and family comforted us during this hard time. So many people reached out to help and I can’t tell you how much that means to us. Thank you.

 

 

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